Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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