Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize