I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
whose parrot is this?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
