Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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