The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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