So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
