my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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