you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
