i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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