two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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