Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
