Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
