You're so nebulous sometimes
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
