Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
