so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
