Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
