I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
