i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
