so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
