sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
