im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
