He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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