I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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