He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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