I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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