I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
