If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
