Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
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