I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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