I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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