I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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