Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
