I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
birth control should be required to get into college
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I want to fling myself into the sun
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
