***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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