Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
