I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
