I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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