Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
