I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
