She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
