Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
