My cat gives me a boner
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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