I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
