actually, I'm a sock model
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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