Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
