It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Watching her eat just hurts me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
