I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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