do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
