I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
