this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize