My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
