Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
