I skipped work to stalk him.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
