Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Vodka?
Forever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
