it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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