her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
