My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
