does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You ruined the universe
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
