I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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