i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Sorry my hands just texted you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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